Day Eleven

Day Eleven: Calling It Quits. Smoking, I mean. It might be safe to say at this point that I’m done.

I’m not sure if it’s being off work, not having a long commute for a while, or simply the fact that it’s stupid cold outside—but the urge has finally gone quiet. I haven’t felt the need to reach for a cigarette in a while, and that’s a win I’m ready to claim.

I’m not making any grand "never again" proclamations, but the daily ritual is over. The "necessary vice" has lost its necessity. For the first time in a long time, I know I can turn it off. Shut it down. I’ve reached a point where I feel I can handle a stressful moment without it spiraling back into a pack-a-day habit. For me, that’s everything.

In the past, I’ve always been an all-or-nothing person. I once quit for three full years, but then 2020 happened. As my life and career started to collapse, I found myself right back at a pack a day. I hated it, but I couldn't stop. Stress has a way of killing you slowly, and nicotine was the only thing that touched the tremors in my guts. It sounds wild, but nicotine has actually been used to treat inflammatory bowels—usually via patches or gum—but I preferred the immediate delivery of lighting up.

I became dependent. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing I did before bed. Honestly, I didn't think I’d ever bother trying to quit again. Why bother? Every other aspect of my health felt like it was failing, and I found a twisted sort of comfort in a cigarette.

Until I didn't.

I started cutting back in November because it was finally starting to make me feel sick. That’s usually the catalyst for me—I change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of the change. I’ll take it. Removing one more damaging variable from my health is a massive victory.

Now, the focus shifts to the backup plan. I need to find a surefire way to keep the stress (and my guts) in check when I eventually get back to the grind. But for tonight, the air is clear. I’m stepping out of the smoke and back into the garden. One day at a time.🌿